Mindless Meanderings of a Modern Cavalier

Welcome to our what might just be our favorite column, the Ballistic Brew Ha Ha. Here, we take a break from the into the weeds look at guns and gear. The Ballistic Brew Ha Ha assembles a mixed-bag of gear, beer, booze, binge-worthy shows and related–as we say–meanderings from a modern cavalier. So yeah, this probably isn’t snowflake approved, if you catch our meaning. Only the 2A, ‘Merica-lovin’ folks should enter here. And away we go…

Ballistic Brew Ha Ha

WOULD YOU RATHER . . . ?

This issue’s question: Make $200K/year working for Bloomberg’s Everytown For Gun Safety (for life) or be stuck indefinitely in a minimum wage job but working with people who are like-minded about gun rights? The online vote count was pretty lopsided with two-to-one voting for taking Bloomberg’s money but secretly working against the company. The losing side said they simply could not compromise on their principles, no matter what the price.

Favorite comments:

E@thedeplorablu: “200k and buy all the guns the minimum wage guys talk about. I don’t talk to ppl at work anyway and prefer to be left alone. Also, donate some to Gun Owners Of America.”

Chuck Cowherd: “Money can not let you sleep at night.”

Matheus @The_Szience: “I’d rather live in a world where I’m not bound by these two miserable choices. Minimum wage? Can’t even afford a HiPoint.”

Matthew Tucker @HerrArschmann: “Good news Matt, you do live in that world! Personally, I would take the money and bring them down from the inside, but as a federal government employee, I kinda feel like I’m doing that now.”

FAST, EASY MONEY

After 21 years of solid, personal service, my Tacoma finally needed more in repairs over the last year than it would cost for a year of car payments. My wife, who is equally unsentimental about me, said it had to go. The dealership had zero new Tacomas, but about a dozen used ones. The salesman said the only way to get a new one was if someone who ordered it a year ago decided to back out of buying it. Fortunately, this happens semi-regularly.

On the plus side, the new ones cost less at full sticker than the used ones with 15K-30K miles. “Simple supply and demand,” the salesman told us. So, I decided to buy a new one each month and then sell it the following month for more than I paid. I’ll always be driving a new car and making money! I just need about $100K seed money to get this revolving truck plan started so I am looking for some silent investors…

UNDERCOVER MISHAPS

During my time in Afghanistan, I wasn’t working for big ol’ DoD, so our little agency contracted a lot of stuff like Hilux trucks, diesel fuel and food off the local market. We also didn’t work for OGA, which had mad money and always had the best including their own private hangar for aircraft at Kabul International Airport. Instead, we hired a defunct company called Tryco with two Russian Mi-8 helicopters to ferry us and our Afghan trainees downrange. They lacked proper maintenance or any kind of safety equipment and used to drip fuel on the shag carpet from the aftermarket gas tanks they strapped inside the cargo area.

The Russian pilots kept a small cooler between them up front that was filled with beer and refused to take off until they had both done a shot or two of vodka. I was recently watching Jack Ryan jet set all over Eastern Europe, and it became clear to me that I picked the wrong federal agency for employment; unless maybe a TV series that has the president of Czechoslovakia wandering through abandoned tunnels under the Kremlin isn’t 100% believable.

READ THIS DAMN BOOK

Surprisingly to most people who know me, I actually grew up reading the classics: Steinbeck, London, Melville, Playboy. There is a reason we keep coming back to them. As a rule, I tend to stick to history and biographies or something at least 50 years old. However, someone at a party recently told me to check out Demon Copperhead by Barbara Kingsolver.

Against my normal predispositions, I picked it up. It is Charles Dickens’ David Copperfield retold and moved from London in the 1800s to modern Appalachia amid the opioid crisis. Far more relatable than chimney sweeps and proctors, it paints an equally bleak picture of the difficulties encountered by even the brightest and most capable when growing up poor and orphaned. I don’t have any spoilers because I’m only halfway through it but I do hope almost everyone still dies in the end. Too many characters are hard for me to keep track of.

BINGE, BABY, BINGE

Tom Clancy’s Jack Ryan just returned for season 3 on Prime Video. This season finds him “out in the cold” with some pencil-neck boss at the CIA accusing him of treason. The action and tension we have come to expect are back again and Jack is certainly getting better at killing people with a lot fewer moral qualms. I’m not sure if I’m getting old and senile or if I should make it more of a point to only watch when I’m not in my cups, but the first four episodes had me scratching my head and asking, “And why are these people after him again?” or “Where did he get that phone?” or “How did he know to go there to meet someone?”

A good television critic would go back and rewatch it sober, but I never claimed I was a good critic. If the writers know no one is following the plot anyway, maybe next season they can skip it entirely and just focus on one tense shoot-out after another. Anyway, the plot got a lot simpler by the end. My only question is why they can’t work in more femme fatales with plunging necklines and loose sexual morals like James Bond?

CRAFTY BREWS

Beer in the winter never quenches the way it does in summer. I tend to lean more toward sipping a mixed drink when it is chilly outside. When I do have a pint, it better be something pretty good all by itself. I found myself in Vegas with an afternoon to kill last winter and happened upon Hop Nuts Brewing. They have two locations, but I was at the one in Tivoli Village that was a little upscale for my taste. The place had a few dogs in the place, so I figured they would let me in too.

Angela talked me into the Green Mamba, a green tea-infused double IPA. A truly unusual beer. It was very smooth, hoppy, but not bitter. The green tea finish was what really put it over the top. I don’t like fruity beer and I typically stick with the traditional styles, but this was one time I was glad I ventured away from the norm. If you find yourself in Sin City, they also have a downtown location that isn’t so far off the beaten path.

GIMME THAT GADGET

I recently found out that a personalized Bobble Head is now within the budget of almost every man. For less than $100, a number of companies will take your face and then stick it on any one of hundreds of pre-designed bodies. For more money, you get to design the body too. I’m thinking this will be the perfect Christmas gift that I can hand out next year. The question is, what outfit would I pick that most represents me? SWAT gear and a rifle? Typing another “Brew Ha Ha” column at my computer? Ability to process grain alcohol into simple urine at superhuman speed? World’s Greatest Dad to those two or three kids…I forget their names.

No to all those. I definitely would just want to commemorate my brief foray into the porn industry. I was sure I would be the next John Holmes until they explained to me that I might have the Irish curse. Man, that couch was sticky.

The Brew Ha Ha column runs in every issue of Ballistic Magazine. Get your copy or digital subscription today at OutdoorGroupStore.com.

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